Emptiness and fulfillment

To start off ,i'm not sure if my recent accounts are actually related to each other and do they contribute towards what i am feeling or how i have been feeling lately... or maybe once again, i'm just in one of those "like to rationalize" every single detail out again.. which in other words - THINK TOO MUCH.

To calculate, i think i've been having really weird ( I MEAN REALLY ABSURD) dreams every single night for the past consecutive 3 or 4 nights .. and yesterday night i still had another one, all relating to the people around me , those i don't know personally (Felipe Massa is in this category), those i knew but have been my past , the things revolving around me now.. the things i've went through , ya da ya da... they all have nothing in common except that none are positive dreams. It's either robbery, being chased or hunt down by someone , or death. Where's Joseph ? Times like this he can help interpret my dreams.. hahaha

Yesterday night i had a chat with di , and just before i slept i teared... i think i finally could explain what i have been feeling.. a sense of emptiness. I was searching for the right description to tell myself how i felt for the past days but i just couldn't .. until yesterday night after the short conversation and little look into myself deeply.. i thought wow ,its emptiness. Have you felt like taht before ?

We talk about non-christians feeling that way, because they do not have Christ and salvation. But what about Christians? I am one.... yet i don't remember when was the last time i felt this way... I know we are not perfect although we try to be Christlike but i don't know why i still feel this way... There are some changes in my life currently ,but it's only just temporarily.. and i am not sure if it's affecting this whole scenario. I seem fine with people around me , i still hang out, i still practice , still smile , still laugh ,still eat , still sleep ,but deep down i feel the emptiness.

Because , i practice.. and practice .. and practice (the electone not jazz) and finally feeling nothing about it. I began to be immuned to it , then i asked "ok so what's next ? What's this all about?" I feel restless after classes , i feel down spirited... not because the music is not sounding good it is changing direction (AGAIN i know.. haha) but it seem to be moving forward, not that i can't play the Liszt.. i have finished practising the whole piece actually , in fact even showed Jit and Cher today ... i just felt

"Yea so?"

After practising for a certain amount of time.. and today it happened again in the studio... i asked the same question again.. what is this ? What is this feeling , God?

Couple of months back , if i felt this way i know for sure what's the cause... but not now for sure..

Today i discovered a shocking news and it's not anything nice at all.. in fact it's pretty saddening, and it kinda distracted me a little ... I just thought - we all need christ , don't we ? Life with Christ is already empty (I mean referring to myself feeling this way now) what about those without Christ ? Can't imagine being in their shoes... feeling rejected, broken relationships, broken families, no real friends, pathetic workplace, deprived of financial independence, living the wrong way of life etc... Who to turn to ?

Ooops i got distracted by jazz , again.Hahhaha Sam asking me some questions and i end up getting hooked answering him. Great to share good music around man...

Back to my topic ... So about the news.. i can only pray about it because i am in no position to do anything , and just feel .. SIGH... what has gone wrong, man.... In our falling days living in this fallen world, i really feel the NEED to preach the gospel and reach out. There's been too many unfortunate things happening.. the lost getting even more lost... and i usually only sit down and grief but not able to do anything... God , please give us the courage to step out ,and step UP in faith... to do something , if not directly , but at least let us shine so that others can see and gravitate towards Christ.

I prayed and prayed about asking God to fill me, fill my cup once again.. but i think it's now time to just shuddup and embrace every moment of mine ,and let Him do what He needs to do in me. He's not finished with me and i know He won't until i see Him in heaven. Please cleanse me from my sin and let others see the glory of You in me , In jesus name i pray amen.