Mixed mixed mixed

I read the daily devotional today and it says just what i needed to hear ,

"I set You before me, Lord, secure in Your hope that cannot be shaken."

Suddenly after the little intimate conversation i had with C.H i felt this little insecurity problem about myself. I think as through these 2 years after graduating , i've learnt to develop my music in such a way that i began to learn through different methods until i've forgotten what's it like to learn under proper guidance when i'm really lost. Of course i'm not lost now , this year a lot has happened that made me think and analyze certain situations why is this happneing , why is that happening , what has got into me .. who's the problem , what's the main cause ..etc etc... which in fact is quite a waste of time because i think so much and in the end i might not get any answer at all.

I actually didn't know what to write in this post .. because i have so much inside my head thinking and thinking but i don't know what title do i want to put it , what exactly i want to say .. maybe i can't put it into words but certainly God understands me. In fact i actually feel quite dry deep down inside.... I want to glorify God in my playing , in whatever i do but we get strayed away easily sometimes isn't it. I need Him to draw me back again ... to pull me back to where i SHOULD be , how i should think ,how i should react and how i should live as a christian.

In the devotional it says because we have Jesus we are secure in His direction. But that does not mean even the closest to god will escape from trials and sufferings. So at times like these i can only find true security in Him actually.... and i must always faithfully bear in mind that whatever God puts me through now there must be His own reasons and i can only learn positively out of it. I'm already very very veyr very fortunate to be blessed with great resources (come on having the best of "both worlds" mun wei calls it what else do i ask for ?) around me, i should feel the most secure but yet i lack the kind of wisdom to understand myself. I guess i THOUGHT i was getting better but surely i need more time than some other people.

Ok i really dont know where is this going .. but it's late and i refuse to sleep because i dread for tomorrow to come i dread to go on with my usual Thursdays routines ... i feel like sitting in a coffee shop and chilling by myself and continue thinking again .. don't know about what now. Hahhaha..anyway this is a pretty non-sense post. I can only say whatever and however confused i'm feeling now ,i need assurance that i can run to my Jesus' arms and be secured in Him. No matter what mixes i'm feeling now ... it's already mixed so might as well get a good taste out of it. God bless y'all.