Dilemma ...

Dilemma is what makes you think ; dilemma is what makes you ponder deeply into the depths of life ... I've come across many crossroads before in my life , this not the first time actually knowing the fact i'm such a fickle minded person . Even small little things I'll go on and on whining about it until somehow I'll make up my mind . Lately things haven't been any different , just that I want to thank God this trial exams has taught me a very important lesson .
No it's not "don't study last minute" or "stop sleeping at 5-6am and wake up at 12-1pm" . But it's rather which road of life i would want to take after SPM . Ok i know this might be too early to say or rather not , but to some other friends of mine they haven't even decided what they want to be , some are just too talented in various fields while some want to concentrate on SPM first .
That was in my mind until I started revising for trials .
Honestly , i really don't remember myself being so fed up and tired of studying . In fact , to the extent i started hated it for subjects especially bio when it was always my highest scoring science subject . I remember revising bio and my adrenaline was definitely rushing not to motivation and satistfaction , but to urge me to "end it NOW!" kind of feeling . Practising add maths was another issue for i never had good grades for it and was never good at it from form 4 , so that makes even wonder if I should at the first place take up engineering . If studying science at SPM level is so demoralising for me , how could i go through college and university life? That big question mark was a problem for me ...
Everytime i got fed up of studying , my mind was so tempted to my organ just behind my study table in the room ... as though it was a drug for me , addicting me to play it ... get relaxed , and move my passion ... as though it was talking to me ... motivating me in another sense ... Ok so i put down my books and play it , no one except God can understand how much satisfaction and joy runs through my veins ... Whenever i'm playing halfway , this statements constantly ring in my head "nothing beats music man, this is your passion ..this is what i wanna do all my life" ..
The 1 week break in August not only gave me a break to watch Olympics actually , it finally made me decide to study music after school life ... the feeling was so strong that everytime after closing my revision books i'll complain to mum "arrigghh that's it , i'm studying music after spm!" and she'll go "aiyah ... u better go study music la ...." That was an encouragement ? Or just one of her statements to entertain me??
I thought i was just making a rush decision coz of trials , so i asked God.... so far He hasn't gave me any significant signs or answers but I'll wait ... God , I'll wait and see what's best for me . U see , humans easily fall into dilemma , especially me . Engineering was shelved away immediately and i thought i had the joy of school "freedom" and proceed with my dream life that revolves only around music . Again until i watched the Monza F1 GP last sun ...
My pathetic mind and heart was trying to turn things around again . I don't know what I was trying to do , but I was tempted by those machines and fast paced cars and there and then it reminded me how much i wanted to study engineering .... You see ?? Crossroads ? I'm in it once again!
Ok this decision to study music hasn't been blessed throughly by my family knowing the fact i'm the first generation musician in the house and the conservativeness of my dad's mind .. I don't understand why just because their dreams were not fulfilled they make their children do it ... So ironic and i told him no medicine field . Studying engineering i know would make him happy , but going for music he had been against it years back . When I think of it , I just want to say if i were to go for music , I'm sorry to disappoint you dad , I do want to be your first and only daughter to study science subjects in university and make you proud , but unfortunately God made me to have passion for music and art .
I even checked out which probable higher education instituition i would be interested and the prospects are not so bad after all .... Honestly , studying music worries me too about the job opportunities and worse come to worse i've decided to study until I'm satisfied then only graduate and work to solve this matter . Even then , who knows what the future market holds . Probably i should just study jazz in europe and never come back to Malaysia after that but that'll be just no action talk only la .. never come back to Msia ? hahaha unless i marry my German hubby and "he" insists . ahhaha ... So anyway , my crossroads are actually still wide and this just reminded me of one of the poem we learnt in eng lit , The Road Not Taken .... who knows what will happen to the poet if he took the other dirtier and dusty road rather than the cleaner and nicer road ...
Just like what my cousin always tell me , don't study what you don't like and don't care about what the job opportunities and all , just do what your heart desires . I'll always remember that Vern , thanks . To God , I hope i am able to get your guidance by this verse that says "Man plans things , but the Lord directs his path".