ANXIETY ??

Gosh can someone spell the word "ANXIETY" ?? I definitely can do it very very very well .... i was feeling bloody anxious today !!! And why ? that's because of my Yamaha New Teachers' Training Program that has been bothering and tinkering around my mind and emotions for the past few days ! Oh crap ... you know , i've been so worried that i had 2 consecutive nightmares the last two nights !!! The first night (which was just 2 days ago) I dreamt of being rejected by Yamaha Kelana Jaya people , and funny thing is they offered me a different job which is i think a librarian !?? hahahhaha how lame ..... their library there is like so run-down and not very well facilitated (not wanting to offend people studying in Yamaha Academy) .

OH then last night i was so so so tired i just knocked off after saying Amen .... and guessed what , i was awaken by another nightmare ... this time i woke up after another horrendous dream that i failed the audition ... =( this time it was during my usual Sunday organ class where Mr Phua it seems , when to investigate and asked the people there for me ... which is very unusual of him to do that (or he is not that kind of person to do that rather!) and he found out i failed .

Alright , 2nd dream and 2nd nightmare for me . Once again i woke up to only found out it was just a dream and was really really relieved by that . Could i really have failed ? What happened to me that it has brought me through all these anxieties ? Are yOu trying to tell me something God ?? Or is it just because i'm too afraid of failure that i kept dreaming of it ?? What could be worse ? I told myself that it doesn't matter if i fail , i'll just go for the audition again in August . Which is ages from now , but hey i know why ... My mum asked me to just concentrate and study A-levels once i don't get this job and only pursue teaching after i finish A=levels . THat's WHY! I don't want to just study and not do anything ! wheaaaaaaa......

Everyday as i seek a new day , my thoughts are flooded with the imagination of me teaching the kids , how i'd have to learn to love children (though i never have compassion for them!) , how i'd encourage the kids , make them love music , try to maintain them , how i'd dress to work , how i'd travel here and there in KL with a car , how i'd have to juggle my time between college and work , how i'd have to depend on someone in class to take homework for me each time i gotta skip class to attend seminars etc etc ...oohhhh it's killing me !!!! GOD HELP!!!!!

I didn't know how i made it through this past 24 hours today ,but i definitely know that when i've decided to put up my guts and call the lady in KJ , she wasn't around the whole day even after 5 pm!!! Arrrrghhh and tomorrow is public holiday ! Which means i'll only be able to call her on Monday when i won't be at home on Saturday ... arrrrghhhh!!! How dreadful! Oh anyway , went to Jusco Kepong today feeling really anxious and worried too .... but my sis was right , I should be greatful and not just dread over what i don't have . Look at the glass half full gurl, not half empty!!!

OK so what i don't get it , when i went for the audition last wednesday , i promised myself not to put pressure on myself and just go without any expectations and now i'm expecting to pass!??
I am a sore loser la ... gosh i just realise since young i'm the type of person who can't seem to take failures well ... Though i look OK on the outside , but i'm really terrible inside . And my sis seem to say that i've not been very helpful these days , keep complaining whenever my mum wants me to take somethings at home for the nieces . Oh and also i've received complaint that i can't be independent . Yes i can't ! Seriously , i admit it !!! i have this problem adapting to new environment , and whenever i'm hungry midnight , i just tell my mum and she'll always be there to cook something for me . Yes mummy's girl , call me whatever u want ! Arrrghh , i'm learning!! Learning to be independent ! Give me time ! That's what i told my sis today .... yeah i'm so famous for this statement "17 yrs old behave like 7 yrs old " .

Anyway , i don't really understand what i wrote above there ... But i just want to vent out my frustration and irritation and anxiety of waiting . God is above all things , and i'm sure He wants me to learn about the word "PATIENCE" because everytime i seem to be losing patience easily and just on small matters He often will test my patience even more . Yes Jesus , i will endure because i'm enduring for YOU! Amen!!!