So much excuses!

I've been sitting here for the past 4 hours 35 minutes trying to do some research for my Lecture and Seminars assignment for tomorrow's tutorial (see how last minute i've become?) but many things came in between to distract me .... instead .

Well , it all started from this stupid mind of mine ... I had quite a bad morning yesterday .. when i first reach school at 9 20am ... it was quite surprising to find C.H reaching earlier than me and was chilling in the car! hhahaha .. we both walked up to the office and while i went to the washroom , he went in to take the studio keys.

And so i went in to the office and i heard his conversation with one of the ladies at our office regarding studio 10's key (Stagea studio) . I just asked if the key was not available to C.H , and she scolded (literally raised her voice with a black frowning face) me! I went

"OK..... Now i've experienced what everyone else said she has been.."

Both C.H and i went upstairs but i felt a little pissed off though i kept quiet and continued to reply sms-es to Hem and in AVL i just pushed the door very loudly to close it and it kind of shock C.H and he went ,

"OOI!"

Sorry i said ... then we just went on with our lesson and as usual .. it was FUN and chatty but this time it wasn't that enjoyable ... if you think Smoke Gets In Your Eyes is easy (Masa Matsuda's arrangement) then it's not .... at this point after 3 weeks i still couldn't get the song right! In terms of feel and expression ... somethings just are lagging and i could even sense it when i was playing. Arrghh .. Then we chatted for a VERY Long time ... also was discussing about Summertime's new changes ... hahahaha ..

Then ... proceeded to studio 10 and played Londonderry Air for him .. he was pleased with it though i couldn't play the ad lib parts at all ... (was OK during practice but broke down when i played for him) ... then went for Richard's impro class ...

Had a nice wake up call from him .. when he practically YELLED at me for not able to give him the correct answer for some bass line .... because i wasn't concentrating and i didn't know where he was! Arrgrhhh ... so i got another scolding! in 2 hours!

After that it was just a day i wanted to forget ... Things just left me pondering since then ...

Until just now ... i was still pondering ... with doubts ... AGAIN ... as usual , me and my doubts about doing well in music . Maybe i talked to much to C.H that i got influenced by him .. he was right , if i chose to do something of course i must do it well ... i agreed on a lot of things he said ... and i also learnt a whole lot from him .. the conversation we had in class was getting more interesting week after week .. ahahahha ... and i came to one conclusion ,

He TALKS a LOT

And so my thoughts went on pondering ... about how bad i am musically , how bad my techniques are ... i couldn't even play a few notes properly and what people say about me just gliding through notes on the keyboard on the surface are TRUE ... since young ... i don't play with a good technique ... my fingers are weak ... my musicality is zero .. for certain music la, not ALL .. of course i don't play like a piece of log sitting on the electone .

It's just .. after having a bad morning , i was even more disappointed with myself for not able to play my electone pieces properly i felt so upset with myself. I wanted to even apologize to C.H but it's no use ... my actions should speak louder than words ... But God is faithful and He hears me.. He knows how i feel .. and so

Just 2 hours ago i had a very long conversation with C.H online ... and for some absurb reason i changed my msn nick to

"Am I losing passion?"

Until i was chatting with Mun Wei and told her i'd better change it because i was afraid people would see it ... (See , me and my pride!) But guess what . .. the important person saw it and took notice of it .

C.H asked me what was that about although i've changed from that to

"Hmm... Thoughts to Ponder"

I felt a sudden adrenaline rush over my face that i told Mun Wei i was literally burning because i didn't know what to say ... She told me to shut him off but i felt that if he asked , why not tell him the truth ?

And so i did .... i told him everything ... how i felt useless and bad in everything i do.. how hard i worked for it but nothing works .... he was trying to understand me at the same time comfort me ... through his own experiences .. *why men only talk about themselves?* And then we went on to chat ... until i told him everything la... about me being a perfectionist and having high expectations on myself ... and he said

"Me too"

Haahahha ... OOK thanks C.H... we got diverted after that when he asked me some funny questions about himself ... and all of a sudden it became a self-evaluation chat box .. hahaha .. BUT after all those ... i learnt that ,

1) I need to hang on to God and know that i can't do anything without Him
2) I need to be content and be appreciative of my life and still strive on to work hard
3) I need to thank Him for understanding my feelings and hearing my cries!
4) I've got a very very awesome teacher and colleague and now a mentor as well =)
5) After the conversation i actually gave myself a lot of excuses that stops me from being a better musician . WHY SHOULD I? Need to stop it !

Dear Lord ,
Thank you for listening to my cry and hearing my weariness ... i know i come this far because You have put me through it .. and there's nothing impossible in the name of Christ Jesus... so no matter how big the hurdles are and how tough the going gets , help me to continue to hang onto You and know that I'll sail through well because You helped me to. Thank you for sending good people around me to bless my life and i pray that You will use me to bless others in return. In Jesus' name i pray , AmeN!