Peace

Ahh .... now i have peace to write ... Don't know why ... even if i was just chatting with Poh Yee alone i could not concentrate and have any mood to write . I really wanted to just pen down some serious thoughts for no reason even though i'm suppose to be off to bed now .

I guess i know why . I just want to enjoy every single moment of my holidays , knowing tomorrow i don't have to work coz of public holiday . What is wrong with me ? I am denying myself time and time again ... doing everything i could to avoid from teaching . DO i really dislike that job? I don't know ... it's a mixed feeling ... whenever i face stressful times in my JMC classes i get all freaked out and the devil just put negative thoughts into my head.. telling me all sorts of nonsense of why i should not continue to teach and why everyone else at home is enjoying a good time shopping , eating dinner , having a good fellowship at the dinner table while i have to zoom off to work and face the kids .

I hate people pittying me because i try not to pity myself by telling myself that there is no big deal in me working and studying because others have done the same and came out successfully and still survived ! I'm just no big deal ... and i must go through this without feeling sorry for myself because the more i feel it the more i want to question God's presence and planning for my life . Then again , i'm not trusting in Him .

So yeah ... i told Teck taht night not to pity me ... coz i hate it , and thank God he understood what i meant and shut up immediately about my life ... I always tell myself if Yoong Yoong and C.H managed to go through it during their study years (my seniors in Academy and now my colleague and teacher) why can't i when i have Jesus in me ?

I read Bex's blog lately... has been keeping in touch with her blog very closely ... and find out that this girl really has a lot of wisdom ! U know what , i'm starting to believe every prophesy you told me about your wisdom thingey from God ... it's true .. and every single moment you live through at home being a kindy teacher , God is moulding you to become wiser and wiser day by day .. it's true and i'm trully amazed at your maturity . Sometimes i wish i could take a step back and relax , take a day off from my fast-paced life and be a 3rd party person .. just to look at things in a different perspective like how you look at it .

I especially favour your latest post where you thank God for your flaws and notice that through these it sometimes become your strengths as well . How many can look at the glass half full ? I can't definitely.. sweating the small stuffs all the time and unable to Fail FORWARD . sigh ..

It's 3 am now and i refuse to sleep .. once again , one of those blogging days ... just came back from py's house from ex-high school gathering bbq session ... don't know why for some reasons i always get lost everytime i drive to her house when i've been there like more than 10 times since i was in form 1 ! ARRGHHH ...

It was a nice gathering ... i really appreciate the warm welcome by the girls , the efficiency of serving me food at the very moment i reached there ... and also the little fun playing "Pictionary which actually is Act-ionary" haahahha .... Sometimes i forget how to laugh so loudly again with them ... genuinely , without feeling embarassed about myself .. (Not that my laughters are fake , but just that they changed so much i don't know how to react sometimes .. end up just being quiet and joking only with Janet , bex and Jess) .

I've been very guilty to God lately... feeling so bad i've not kept my promise of reading the bible everynight and doing my devotion whenever i can catch a minute or two ... and not been talking to Him lately . As well as paying tithes .... my finances are getting more comfortable , just that i need to pay it so i can be discipline and know that God gives me everything ... Will do it this sunday .. sorry Lord ...

Once again , this is just a post i want to pen down about what's running through my emotions now ... many things i refuse to think of at the moment ... things that will stress me up , things that will remind me how much of a bad teacher i am , things that will trigger my gastric (realized gastric appears due to stress and anxiety too..thanks to C.H!) , things that will provoke my thoughts to keep working whenever i'm conscious , and things that will make me have anxiety...

You know what , i really do not want to end up seeing a counselor in 10 years time or getting chemotheraphy for stomach cancer or something ... sigh ... i don't know , C.H's warnings about my fast-paced life kind of worry me now .. especially knowing the fact that mum was a cancer patient ... that makes me and sis even more worried ... but whatever it is , here is where God comes into picture and makes a difference between us , Christians and non-Christians out there.

Ok it's really running late .... Tomorrow will be another good day ... bringing mum to 1u to eat Shogun ... hahha finally ..i hope we will both have fun and enjoy ourselves ... Lord please give me the opportunity to evangelise to her as well . So much more to write but my eyes are heavy now . Shall just watch Diana Krall's free live performances on You-Tube and sleep . I need to get in touch with my jazz again .. been so into other music that i've left Jazz music abandoned somewhere in me .... i need to get the kick and momentum running in my adrenaline again so i can remember how to enjoy jazz and how to improvise on electone . See ... i can't just have a break do i??

HELLPP!!