Misery

That was the first word that came across my mind when i thought of what to type as the title of this post . MISERY . i don't know ... is that how i feel ? After a great service and eye-opener sermon in church today ?? Shouldn't i feel happy and joyous ?? I mean... it was like i got slained or got a revelation prophesy or something , but jsut that Ps Leslie's sermon about sex and marriage and the summary of 10 commandments were awesome ... it kind of shook everyone in church about the way we live our Christian lives ... whether the fear of God is in us so that the church can really grow into 500 ppl .. he was right . sigh...

Anyway ... i know why i feel miserable ... i'm sick ... terribly sick again .... mentally i mean . After work i came straight home looking forward to having my BK dinner session with sis (Ah Ger) coz haven't ate it for such a long time. ... anyway then we end up sitting for almost an hour in BK then proceeded home where i took a shower then quickly we adjourn to mamak for another yam cha session .. hahaha one of the things i'd do after a long time of not catching up with her . well yeah i was suppose to rush back home to complete my arrangement of MGS as much as i can , but everything ended at 10 35 pm when i finally sat down on my electone and do work .

You know i think during this hols my "Things to DO List" has not been abandoned but it was more like "I DON'T THINK I CAN FINISH THEM IN TIME!!" .... i'm sick . Putting and giving myself work to do during the hols like as if i'm never gonna get assignments in the coming semesters . SIgh.. and my impatience ... =(

Me and my impatience ... went online while sequencing my sound on the el i talked to eden . And found out tmr's plan to bring the Jap girl out to 1u was cancelled . Without anyone telling me! Gosh i got terribly pissed off and screwed Eden for no reason ... then i apologized coz of my bad temper ... She became my victim when it wasn't right for me to do that . Totally ... Sorry girl.. I get pissed off easily when things don't happen in the way i intended it to . When changes happen . That's the bad part . I'm not good at adapting to changes and rising to the occasion , though cbn has already trained us a whole lot during my high school years ... i should really thank the business in cbn for it .

Besides that , i know why i'm miserable .... it was the phone conversation i had with C.H at 9+pm just now ... got a good piece of nagging from him ... i noticed something about him too , a nagger . Hahahhah i mean no offence but wasn't expecting that from a male teacher! I can't help but always compare him with Ah Phua ... i know it's not good but i can't help it ! Anyway , i am thoroughly disappointed i don't get to play Yoshihiro Andoh's Ayura for next semester ... when i arleady booked the book and data from him like ages ago ... because when i found out that everyone in school is practising that book i don't want it anymore . I'm so self-centered ... i don't like to play songs that everyone in the world is playing ... although my greatest desire is to play Andoh's songs because i just love him so much ... but i'd rather give that up for my own pride ... how stupid that sounds like .

Well anyway C.H can't give me the stagea data for the book coz he needs it so i can't have it anyway ... then i won't even get his JOC Gd 4 book to play (as preparation to my exam) , then i won't even get to do anything else except u know what ... practice impro ... and czerny on the piano! ON THE GREAT PATHETIC PIANO! that's when he started his nagging ...

"err practice ur impro loh then .... listen to a lot of songs... all types of songs... improve yourself... get better .. watch concerts .. go for it! (blah blah blah was what went through my head when he said this ... coz he said the exact same words before to me last time..)
go and practice piano la ok ... improve your technique .. your technique still not good yet .. when it's not good you'll have problem playing any other songs ... go and practice czerny , do u have it ??"

"yes i am practising czerny now...."

"Ahh ... then good la..."

"but i don't have a piano so it's hard ... i hardly have time to practice .. only at work!"

"then practice at work loh .. half hour everyday that's good enough"

"sigh sometimes i don't even ahve time at all .... i only can practice in kajang that half hour .. wah everyday meh??"

"no la not everyday ... anytime u're free la... aiyah in school ? got piano ma... otherwise buy one la!"

"aiyoh pls la no money ... it's expensive! Can't afford!"

"in school then ... stay back after classes la... why you everytime go back home straight after classes ?"

"go home!? I gotta go work ah!"

"aiyah ... hahaha cut your teaching off la!"

"CUT IT OFF!? NO MONEY LA!!!! how i wish i can..=("

THat was just a short summary of our conversation ... now i really wonder what he told Ah Phua was true ... i'm so called good when he auditioned me ... so called i can take gd 4 perf exam after 1 yr study .. yeah rite ... now already half yr .. but i'm sitting on my butt being complacent ... sigh why do i get affected by these words easily!?? GOD!!! LET NOT ANYONE STEAL ME OFF MY SELF BELIEF !

Sometimes its really amazing when i think of the past how i've been so serious and focused on my music path that i don't even feel these discouragements that deeply (not that i recall any!) from my academic subjects in high school ... don't think i sulked that much for not doing well in physics and add maths . or sejarah ... am i nuts !?

Crazily yes ... whatever .. i must be up too late that i'm beginning my self doubts talk again . I could preach a whole lot about this issue man ... i think it's becoming my bondage . Gosh where does this thought come from ? Yeah maybe ... bondage ... from letting me let loose ... from allowing me to optimize my potential. .. Lord , HELP ME!!