A Lesson learnt the HARD way ...

Instead of posting about the historical and legendary "pasar malam rojak family" , I don't quite feel like joking a little ... That was my plan initialy , to joke a litttle and lighten up a bit from the tough life i've been through lately .. but I guess the other side of me (inner self) that my friends don't often see is the seriousness , the "not-so jovial" kind of me when i'm pondering and wandering deep in thoughts . Pondering about more important things ... basically nothing much but just my future after SPM .

In other words , this entry is basically "Berklee ... Berklee .. Berklee ... Berklee Part 2" since i've got many avid and patient readers around ... thank you guys for your patience with the long-winded writing , and care to read about my adventurous trip and dream . Certainly apprecicate that! The past 1 week certainly haven't been an easy and happy go-lucky one even when i'm enjoying the priviledge of staying at home , getting time off from school , or you call it "French Leave" . Yes I have been studying , in fact i've been doing the same thing everyday ... woke up , practice add maths , lunch , play organ , read sejarah , play organ , yam cha , dinner , practice science subject , play organ , sleep . Routine work from Mon-Thurs .

Aside from all these "must do" chores , I must thank God for His wisdom , guidance and definitely grace that I can actually concentrate still when i open my books to revise without an inch of a thought about my music dream . THANKS JESUS! Things have been happening for a purpose i could assure you all out there . Berklee don't just suddenly out of nowhere replies my email out of the almost 20 emails I sent out to all other music colleges/universities from all over the world . Being a prestigious college , i'm thankful being a assigned a cousellor to advice and help me regarding anything I need to know from Berklee.

The hope , and the replies from Berklee have enlighten my spirit , brought me new exitement to life , and most of all ... a dream come true kind of thing to me . For the past week I've been hinting and telling mum about many stories of Berklee , updating to her bout the college and the courses .... And FINALLY , on the Thursday evening when I joined her in the kitchen for a chat while preparing dinner , she took her guts out to break my heart by saying ,
"bee , I think it's best if you take up the 4 years local degree course instead of the Berklee Transfer Programe , for we can't afford to send you to USA for the 2 years that cost us a bombshell . If you really wanna study jazz and go Berklee then you can do it after you come out to work and earn enough money to sustain you over at US . Right now , we really can't afford it ."

*Chek chek chek*

Can you hear it ? My heart just cracked into pieces ... My spirit broked into two ... and my hopes dashed into thin air . Holding back my emotions and tears , I tried as hard as I can to convince mum and defended every single thing I can about Berklee , as though they paid me to be their spokesperson . I'm not here to promote Berklee ok , because I know chances to win a scholarship that is based on music talents and NOT financial difficulties are superbly thin for a person like me who's not musically 110% gifted . I'm not blaming God for putting me into a family that doesnt earn a 5 digit income per month , nor I'm blaming Him for bringing Berklee's hopes into me and got it snatched in just a couple of that seconds .

I know that'll be the end of it .... Mum had hinted me a couple of days ago , saying that she talked to my bro in law and he also opposed the idea for it's too costly for just 2 years . I refuse to believe her story , until he comes to speak to me personally . My sis even asked me to give up on Berklee's pathway and just face the fact that my parents' will only make me study locally , as a matter of fact . Until today , the sentence "Nope , I'M NOT GIVING UP ON BERKLEE" still is very loud ringing in my head when she asked me to give up . Call me a dreamer , non realist , or what .. but i'm the type of person who believes in faith , passion , God , and most of all NOT luck , and that's why I refuse to give up . When i want something , especially if it means a whole lot to me .. my family knows nothing can stop me . When I had to pay Rm100 to watch Count Basie Orchestra in Philharmonic last June , no one could stop me even I had to watch it alone , pay rm 85 (student discount!) , or go to KLCC with my two feet and getting a nice scolding from dad . That's a once in a lifetime experience , and if I don't do it now , when will i do it ?

Especially on something i'm really passionate , no one could really stop me untill there's no choice to it . Back to the topic ... Things were too hard for me to take ... Without even expecting the truth will be so hard to bear , i couldn't help hold back my emotions ... i wanted to just sit in my room , sulk whole day and cry about it . But I hate crying , ever since form 1 when I had difficulties adjusting to CBN , I hated crying coz i cried so much last time that I never want to cry again if possible . If i can control , i try my best not to burst out . I don't want to be the "baby" of the century again , and i guess i just don't want to die to my pride .

I know I gotta concentrate on SPM first , but at the same time I just love to look forward to what's ahead of me . Whenever someone just talks bout the Berklee issue , I just could not hold back my tears and disappointment that i'd go into my room and just play my organ with full emotions . It's been quite some time that nobody in the house had heard me play "Enter The Dragon" (one of Bruce Lee's movie OST when he was alive) and when I really had no choice but to play that song coz "Electric Future" just didn't work enough for me , my mum knew what was in my mind . I blasted the poor Yamaha Electone as if nobody was staying anywhere near my house ... I didn't care if my room windows were to crack , or my niece (Serena) 's ears to go deaf (which mum is afraid of and complained to my sis outside) , all i needed was just to express my anger , disappointment and emotions as an alternative solution .

After playing my selected songs , I don't have the urge to cry anymore ... as if I cried out through my songs . Then just at the same night , my eldest sis called to check on Serena's condition daily , mum asked her to talk to me bout Berklee coz she knew she didn't handle it quite well enough . You see , the problem about mum is she knows what's happening to me, but I don't know why she doesn't want to approach me to ASK if I was OK . You see also , the problem having a sister who's an accountant can't help but practically only worship money. I didn't want to further the argument , for my tears were going to stream down again ... thus cutting off the conversation would be the best . When things are already better for me , they make it worse again!

I must say that experiencing this problem , I had been ignorant to God a little .... I'm sorry God for I prayed but expected a quick answer . I once prayed that "it's ok God , wherever you bring me then i'll go ... if not Berklee then nevermind . I'll only stop thinking about it if You personally tell me, otherwise I won't give up" . The only person at that time I'd listen to is the "I am the Only One" . Hard-headed eh? After school the next day , eventually mum made my second sis sat at mamak and trashed things out with me . I told her , and she asked me to take bank loan .. her solutions sounded good , things that i wanted to hear .... then we agree to talk to my bro in law instead at night , so I stayed overnight at her place and discussed that issue with him .

Things just got from bad to worse in the car on the way home when he advised me the exact opposite thing from what my sis told me in the afternoon at mamak . Being an engineering graduate from Australia back then , he is the best person to speak to . Things were hard for him then , money was a BIG issue too . Everytime I hear the "NO" to Berklee , I just couldn't control my emotions and tears just breakthrough my eyes .... WHY!?? It was hard , but I finally gave up trying .. Because my sis insisted me to release myself , I cried .. like hecks ... like mad .... in the car ... on the way home . When i reached her house , I quickly washed my face and even though i didn't had enough , I told myself to STOP it and no more tears . I hate the sore eyes , the double eye lit on my right eye that was not meant to be there and the one eye big one eye small look .

Had dinner, and continued my session late at night until 2 am with bro in law . Boy was he just so patient ... he kept his sleepiness and tiredness from work aside , just to discuss wit me and make sure i'm pretty OK before things get worse . We talked , and finally my dashed hopes , cracked heart , and broken spirit was slowly mended into place again .... not 100% but definitely 80% only that night . I sms-ed Becky before I call it a day and guess no one else besides her knows bout this . I don't know if you notice or just being ignorant , when I told you i was depressed for the past few days when i sms you and talk to you online , you didn't seem to respond to me . But then it's ok , i'm used to go through tough times alone with Jesus and not friends . Not even zk ....

The conclusion of this story didn't change . Except for a couple of facts that I learnt my painful but wonderful lesson in this case . The experience of trying out and exploring new things in life is fun , and beautiful when you have supportive people around you . But when I thought i could fly with my unready and unequipped wings , to find out that I had to shelve these wings before they are ready to be used one day was painful to bear . When I go through this Berklee issue , I often thought of Mattie Stepanek's Half glass FULL philosophy .. it was just SO HARD to apply it ...

Now let me tell you what is the the half full portion of the glass from this few days . I get to study what i am passionate about , which is what i've always dreamed about this 1 year where many other parents out there cannot accept their children studying a non-mainstream subject like MUSIC for a living . I am allocated a lum sum of figure that is obviously not enough for Berklee , but is at least sufficient for me to earn a degree without particular suffering compared to my sis's who had to either choose form 6 or T.A.R College those days . I am blessed by some very important personnel around me that could actually bring great help and advice in the music field , like Mr Phua (YOU ARE THE BEST TEACHER I EVER HAD AND YOU ROCK!) , Pastor Julian (my youth ex-guitarist's dad that happens to have lectured in Sedaya and ICOM) , mum (you've always been supporting and listening to all my organ class and music stories but i did not appreciate it) , Hem (my second sis that's always here for me when i'm down) , Eric ko-ko (you and Adrian are the coolest bro in laws' i have!) , Ger (my third sis who's always helping me with ideas) , dad (I REALLY APPRECIATE YOU LETTING ME STUDY MUSIC AND I WON'T LET YOU DOWN) , bex(thanks for the *hug* and faithful sms') and most of all .. JESUS (you're simply the best coz you supplied all these to me!)

In conclusion , though I may not get to study at Berklee in 2 years time ... but I am told not to give up on my dream . In fact , I will work towards it by perservering , and going through this training ground that is laid out for me . I guess besides the financial difficulties , probably God thinks I'm not ready at Berklee with the amount of competition and "kiasu-ism" that I already had enough in CBN . I trully take that into comfort and God , I promise I'll work upon that and add enough knowledge until I reach that level . I'll keep my hopes and dream alive , maybe not Berklee , maybe not Boston . But as long as I get to learn in Jazz Studies will be sufficient to fulfill my life long dream .

To Yingks , i may have been wrong about your "obsession" and dream to go Cambridge , but I trully understand it now and I'm here to take back my words for all those remarks made . Appreciate it if you pass your entrance test to Cambridge and when you get to walk on the soil of Cambridge , don't forget to thank Him!

I'm sorry if this is another long post , but if nobody reads it nevermind . I'll always be back to read it myself! ehehhehe .... I just love writing ... anyway , it'll be quite some time to see my name printed on the "Notable Berklee Alumni list" but as long as i have God with me , i know my name will be there one day . All you guys' out there , WALK ON!!